Bull Dogs in Rape Racks & Canaries In Coal Mines

Let's start with the good news. It seems that:

"The Kennel Club has joined forces with the Bulldog Breed Council to voice its concern over the use of ‘mating cradles’ within the breed. Mating cradles have been cited by their designers as the answer to the alleged problems which some Bulldogs have in mating naturally without assistance.

"The Kennel Club and Bulldog Breed Council share the belief that dogs of all breeds should be able to mate as naturally as possible, and that there should be no place for any mechanical device within this process.

"We are aware of sites selling this commercial product on the Internet, which feature photos which show the bitch effectively strapped down by the device. This cannot ever be seen to be in the positive interest of any dog involved."

Oh good. The Kennel Club noticed, and the Bulldog Breed Council has "voiced concern."

That's a promising start, isn't it?

After calling out Caroline Kisko (the Kennel Club's spokesperson) and Robin Searle (the head of the Bulldog Breed Council) and featuring pictures of dogs put in rape stands, they finally decided to come out of the drinks tent to find out what all the fuss was about.

Right and good. But am I to believe that this was all new information to Robin Searle a man who puts himself out as Mr. Bulldog and Mr. Dog Show?

Really? Hard to believe. But of course anything is possible. Perhaps he is a man too busy to actually dirty himself with dogs. He is a dog show judge you know. Very posh and important. He knows all the right people. Been around forever. He is a Bulldog Man! What does it matter that he does not know a break stick from breakfast? Not a thing!

And, of course, it's not just Robin Searle who seems to have a permanent expression of shock and awe. Apparently it was news to the Kennel Club that Rhodesian Ridgeback owners were killing puppies that did not have ridges. And never mind that this club policy has been written down and published on the breed Club's own web site since the beginning.

And, of course, it is still news to Caroline Kisco that most Bulldogs are born cesarean section. She likewise says of the Saint Bernard that "Of course we as a club see no problem with the St Bernard" even though the Kennel Club itself has it listed as a breed at health risk.

So yes, I suppose these folks might be well and truly surprised at almost anything.

They are like mine inspectors who do not notice when the canaries stop singing, do not notice when they fall off their perch, and do not notice when the men start coughing and running for the exit.

Noxious gas? No, they do not smell a thing.

And why worry even if there is noxious gas? After all, we live in the modern world now. Miners can just strap on air tanks and full diving gear before they enter the mines.

Likewise, Bulldogs can be born cesarean section with veterinary help, brachycephalic dogs can get their cleft palettes fixed, and dogs with dysplasia can get their bones resurfaced. And as for eyes, God made two, so what's to worry about? Stay calm and carry on!

Besides, shouldn't we be ecstatic that the Kennel Club has boldly come out against rape racks?

Never mind that they seem unclear as to why the things were needed in the first place -- that the wheezing, farting, bow-legged, heavy-headed, and ponderously fat dog known as the British Bulldog has been reduced to an animal that cannot run, cannot have sex without assistance, and cannot be born outside of a veterinary office.

By God, is this dog not the very model and symbol of modern England?

Well NO.

But it may very well be the very model and symbol of the British Kennel Club, rape rack and all.

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It's Time to Celebrate an American Dog in Song!

The British Bulldog is a dog that cannot walk, cannot breath, and cannot have sex on its own.

It would be wrong to say that this is a metaphor for what has happened to England in the last few decades, but I would not be the first to suggest it -- the picture at top is from a 1915 World War I poster.

On the upside, America (despite the best efforts of the malevolent fucktard George W. Bush) is still seen as a friendly (if sometimes lost and confused) nation that is still capable of having a wag of its tail for the good, and a flash of its teeth for the bad.

And no, that's not a metaphor.

Jonathan sends this story straight out of South Africa, the country he calls home:

Four hijackers had to flee with their tails between their legs when a brave dog attacked them in the car of an intended victim.

Jock, a three-year-old American pit bull, was waiting for the men as they were holding Mrs Sharon da Silva of Germiston at gunpoint.

Da Silva said: "The hijackers ordered me to run.

"While I was running away, I heard one of the men screaming 'Ouch, ouch, the dog!'," she said.

To crown it all, the dog does not even belong to her.

"He did not know me from Adam, but he fought tooth and nail as if I was his property."

The drama happened about 19:30 one evening last week when Da Silva drove to fetch her daughter at school and saw the lost dog.

She said: "It was raining heavily and he was running to and fro in the traffic. I was afraid he might be hit by a car."

She opened the passenger door of her car and called the dog.

"He ran towards me immediately and jumped into the car."

Da Silva said she didn't think for an instant the dog would attack her.

"The possibility did not even enter my mind. All I wanted to do was to help the poor thing."

She was going to take the dog to a veterinarian or the SPCA, but first had to collect her daughter at Assumption School.

"When I stopped there and opened the door, I looked into a pistol."

She climbed out of the car and handed the car keys to one of the four hijackers. She pleaded with them not to hurt the dog.

The man ordered her to run. She said: "I was waiting for a bullet in the back, but then I heard the dog attacking them."

When she returned with a group of men some minutes later her car was still there, but there was no sign of the hijackers.

"I was greeted by a tail-wagging Jock, proudly sitting on the passenger seat, and all he did was to lick me profusely," said Da Silva.

She could not take Jock home because of her four other dogs - and no guarantee that he would not mete out the same treatment to them.

The Germiston SPCA took care of Jock until Wednesday, when his real owner claimed him.

Grant Strydom, Jock's owner, was not surprised by his dog's heroics.

"That is how we know him. Six months ago, he also made a gang of car thieves take to their heels when he grabbed them by the ankles."

On the upside, the U.K. Kennel Club says it is going to make a few modest changes so that (perhaps) the farting British Bulldog will be able to walk and breathe a little better and might have a few less skin infections.

That would be terrific. That said, the British Bulldog's days as a dog that can work stock, protect home, and play with the kids without a veterinarian and oxygen tank in attendance are probably forever behind it.

How bad is it for the Bulldog in the U.K.?

Consider this: When I somewhat jokingly suggested it might be time to pen new words to the old My Fair Lady song and retitle it "Why can't a Bulldog be more more like a pit bull," I was reminded that in the U.K. pit bulls are banned under the Dangerous Dogs Act, while old men who fart dust before breakfast (that would be you, Mr. Robin Searle) are threatening to sue to preserve their dysfunctional national symbol which actually needs a "rape rack" to breed.

Right.

Point made.

Never mind.

And yet, the detritus of ancient empire and cultural influence being what it is, guess what is going on in South Africa right now, even as we speak?

Yes, that's right: they are moving to ban pit bulls -- an honest dog that can work all day and wag its tail at night -- even as they continue to warmly embrace the Kennel Club's farting "kegs on legs" which are only good for racking up impressive veterinary bills.

One shakes ones head in wonder.

A new song -- with new lyrics -- really IS needed.

Those with a poetic hand, feel free to take a stab at it in the comments section. In the interim, let's hope South Africa wakes up and looks forward to the 21st Century when it comes to dog breeding -- instead of looking back to the 19th.



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We Want Our Mutant Dogs, Never Mind Their Pain

Heather, over at Raised by Wolves, asks if breeding Chinese Crested dogs with canine ectodermal dysplasia and the problems associated with that genetic defect (teeth loss, skin problems, eye problems) for a "World's Ugliest Dog" contest is any worse than raising a brachycephalic and achondroplastic bulldog that cannot breath or run in order to win a blue ribbon at an AKC show.

Answer?

No, of course not! Same thing, and a good point.

No matter what the breed, breeding dogs for misery-inducing deformity is all about the same.

Which brings me to the latest news out of the U.K. which is that, according to DogWorld, the Bulldog Breed Council has unanimously rejected the Kennel Club's proposed breed standard changes.

"We don’t like the whole thing," said council chairman, Robin Searle who is a former Crufts judge. "We see it as the Standard being changed and the dog will look different compared to how it is today.”

Right.

That's the idea.

But of course Mr. Searle is a bit thick-head on that point, isn't he?

No surprise then to learn that this man has spent the last 50 years chasing blue ribbons in the Kennel Club.

If you were looking for Exhibit One for the kind of inbred thinking that has resulted in so many Kennel Club dogs being genetic basket cases with shortened and miserable lives, Mr. Searle might take the prize.

As Emma Milne, from BBC One's Vets In Practice has noted, the modern Bulldog is a "mutated freak."

"Modern bulldogs can't run, they can't breathe, they can't give birth.

They have enormous problems with too much soft tissue in their mouth and it adds up to a dog that is struggling for air all its life."

Struggling for air it's entire life? Robin Searle and the bulldog breeders who make up the Kennel Club's breed council do not give a damn about that!

For them, the dog is all about blue ribbons, and shiny trophies. Never mind the tarnish on the dog. The dog is not even in the picture!

And so, we come down to the question of how to get through to these people who are so breed-blind.

Perhaps when we meet Mr. Searle, we can all wish that his grandchildren be born with the human equivalent of what he prizes in a bulldog -- a severe brachycephalic head and achondroplasia (dwarfism).

Perhaps with hairless Chinese Crested breeders we can wish their children be born with ectodermal dysplasia and the dental, skin and eye problems that come with that genetic condition?

Perhaps with show-ring German Shepherd breeders we can wish upon them children with twisted and dysplatic hips?

And, of course, for the Dalmatian breeders who continue to reject the back-cross dogs that are free of uric acid stones, we can wish them (or their husbands) a urethrostemy, in which their scrotum is removed, and their urinary tract is permanently relocated to the base of their penis so they can urinate like a female.

Hey, if it'd good enough for the dog, it should be good enough for their owners and their families!

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