The British Bulldog is a dog that cannot walk, cannot breath, and cannot have sex on its own.
It would be wrong to say that this is a metaphor for what has happened to England in the last few decades, but I would not be the first to suggest it -- the picture at top is from a 1915 World War I poster.
On the upside, America (despite the best efforts of the malevolent fucktard George W. Bush) is still seen as a friendly (if sometimes lost and confused) nation that is still capable of having a wag of its tail for the good, and a flash of its teeth for the bad.
And no, that's not a metaphor.
Jonathan sends this story straight out of South Africa, the country he calls home:
Four hijackers had to flee with their tails between their legs when a brave dog attacked them in the car of an intended victim.
Jock, a three-year-old American pit bull, was waiting for the men as they were holding Mrs Sharon da Silva of Germiston at gunpoint.
Da Silva said: "The hijackers ordered me to run.
"While I was running away, I heard one of the men screaming 'Ouch, ouch, the dog!'," she said.
To crown it all, the dog does not even belong to her.
"He did not know me from Adam, but he fought tooth and nail as if I was his property."
The drama happened about 19:30 one evening last week when Da Silva drove to fetch her daughter at school and saw the lost dog.
She said: "It was raining heavily and he was running to and fro in the traffic. I was afraid he might be hit by a car."
She opened the passenger door of her car and called the dog.
"He ran towards me immediately and jumped into the car."
Da Silva said she didn't think for an instant the dog would attack her.
"The possibility did not even enter my mind. All I wanted to do was to help the poor thing."
She was going to take the dog to a veterinarian or the SPCA, but first had to collect her daughter at Assumption School.
"When I stopped there and opened the door, I looked into a pistol."
She climbed out of the car and handed the car keys to one of the four hijackers. She pleaded with them not to hurt the dog.
The man ordered her to run. She said: "I was waiting for a bullet in the back, but then I heard the dog attacking them."
When she returned with a group of men some minutes later her car was still there, but there was no sign of the hijackers.
"I was greeted by a tail-wagging Jock, proudly sitting on the passenger seat, and all he did was to lick me profusely," said Da Silva.
She could not take Jock home because of her four other dogs - and no guarantee that he would not mete out the same treatment to them.
The Germiston SPCA took care of Jock until Wednesday, when his real owner claimed him.
Grant Strydom, Jock's owner, was not surprised by his dog's heroics.
"That is how we know him. Six months ago, he also made a gang of car thieves take to their heels when he grabbed them by the ankles."
On the upside, the U.K. Kennel Club says it is going to make a few modest changes so that (perhaps) the farting British Bulldog will be able to walk and breathe a little better and might have a few less skin infections.
That would be terrific. That said, the British Bulldog's days as a dog that can work stock, protect home, and play with the kids without a veterinarian and oxygen tank in attendance are probably forever behind it.
How bad is it for the Bulldog in the U.K.?
Consider this: When I somewhat jokingly suggested it might be time to pen new words to the old My Fair Lady song and retitle it "Why can't a Bulldog be more more like a pit bull," I was reminded that in the U.K. pit bulls are banned under the Dangerous Dogs Act, while old men who fart dust before breakfast (that would be you, Mr. Robin Searle) are threatening to sue to preserve their dysfunctional national symbol which actually needs a "rape rack" to breed.
And yet, the detritus of ancient empire and cultural influence being what it is, guess what is going on in South Africa right now, even as we speak?
Yes, that's right: they are moving to ban pit bulls -- an honest dog that can work all day and wag its tail at night -- even as they continue to warmly embrace the Kennel Club's farting "kegs on legs" which are only good for racking up impressive veterinary bills.
One shakes ones head in wonder.
A new song -- with new lyrics -- really IS needed.
Those with a poetic hand, feel free to take a stab at it in the comments section. In the interim, let's hope South Africa wakes up and looks forward to the 21st Century when it comes to dog breeding -- instead of looking back to the 19th.