Notes from the National Emergency

#NotesFromNationalEmergency,
February 17, 2019

Having survived the Bowling Green massacre, Carolyn and I fled north into Maryland, unaware that we were running into the yawing jaws of the NATIONAL EMERGENCY.

We provisioned ourselves at TRADER JOE’s and have bunkered for the night, but I fear Santa Anna’s troops may yet surround us. We are down to our last half pound of good Kenyan roast and our WiFi signal is only 3 bars.

Do not pray for us. Send money that we may pay passage to a safe county far from the Orange Shit Gibbon that dominates the news.



#NotesFromNationalEmergency,
February 18 2019

Carolyn and I survived the night, but woke to find essential services have been cut. C. thinks the trash was not picked up because it’s a holiday, but bad ombres are everywhere.

I have walled in the compound, but fear it will not hold against sustained forces equipped with a ladder. I am down to my last dozen eggs and no one is here to man the omelette station.



#NotesFromNationalEmergency,
February 21, 2019

It’s one week since The National Emergency was declared, and we have have fled north, into a snow storm. Carolyn ventured out for food and to buy clothes at Macy’s while I bunkered down and reinforced our newly constructed perimeter walls.

Roving men with shovels were seen on the street. I suspected they were grave diggers following the death squads, but Carolyn said they were two boys looking to shovel walks.

Several flocks of Canada Geese were seen flying over, so air support from the north has arrived, but this is not a war that can be won with air support alone.



#NotesFromNationalEmergency,
February 25, 2019

It’s been almost two weeks since the National Emergency was called, but we have not yet seen any Mexican troops, though I think a few fellows on the edge of the Home Depot parking lot might be forward scouts. I have steered well clear of them lest I be shot for fraternizing with the enemy.

The winds have been fierce for the last two days, but Carolyn says I’ve got to stop calling them Santa Anna winds because they’ve got nothing to do with that 19th century Mexican general. She’s wrong, of course; women always are about such things.

I fear the coming war. Only a Huckabee can save us now.



#NotesFromNationalEmergency,
February 26, 2019

We have taken to our folding bicycles as we fear that gasoline will be in short supply, the roads will be packed with refugees, and we may have to shelter in caves or small spaces to avoid the approaching hordes.

We pray our tire pumps hold out.