Sunday, September 18, 2011

Gordon Ramsay Sex Dwarf Eaten by Badger



I am going to play this straight and just stick to the facts.

The headline reads: Gordon Ramsay's Dwarf Porn Double Found Dead in Badger Den:

In a bizarre case that would have even CSI's top investigators stumped, a dwarf porn star who was Gordon Ramsay's doppelganger was found dead in a badger set in the U.K. RadarOnline.com has learned.

Percy Foster, star of X-rated movie Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It's Up Your A**e We Go, was about to be rocketed into the ranks of celebrity porn lookalikes due to his resemblance to the Hell's Kitchen host when his partially eaten body was discovered in a badger's den.

According to a report in U.K. tabloid The Sunday Sport, the 3'6" actor was found "deep in an underground chamber by Ministry of Agriculture experts ahead of a planned badger-gassing program near Tregaron, west Wales."

Expert CSI teams had to use fingertip technology to remove his body from the six-foot-deep burrow, and investigators have not yet ruled out the possibility of suicide.

"Percy was a little guy with big problems," said adult film producer Dexter Yamunkeh. "He was doing well but was under pressure like everyone else in this god damn industry."

In a recent interview, 35-year-old Percy revealed his delight at being compared to Ramsay.

"Porn lookalikes get more money than normal actors. Dwarf lookalikes are as rare as hen’s teeth and so can command top dollar.

“I’ve already ordered a new BMW and a diamondencrusted Soda Stream," said the pint-sized porn star.

To be clear he was found in Wales, which pretty much explains everything.

6 comments:

Lily Strange said...

Well, I'm pretty sure that's the most bizarre news I'll hear today--or almost any day for that matter!

Seahorse said...

What is "fingertip technology" and how would it assist in dragging a porny dwarf from a badger den? The headline sounds a little like those manly-men magazine covers you've posted a few times. The "Jaguars ripped my flesh" stories. This zany world of ours!

Seahorse ;)

PBurns said...

I am not going to swear on the veracity of this story. There's a picture, a name, etc., and the short version is that a very small person with a wierd job was found dead in a hole. Could happen. If you fall head-first into a deep hole, it can be nearly impossible to get out, blood pools, and you suphocate. But did this actually happen, or was it a bunch of tabloid editors sitting around writing a ringer? Who knows?

P

Dan said...

For my money, this one's a ringer. For a start, in the UK there is no badger gassing being done at all, since the approved fumigants (hydrogen cyanide gas, "Cymag" to generate hydrogen cyanide and finally methyl bromide) have all been banned. The UK Ministry of Agriculture was renamed to "DEFRA" some years ago, which even the dimmest UK newspaper would know, hence the use of the older name is unusual and perhaps points to this being an old story revamped a bit.

Then we have the fact that the guy was found near Tregaron. I happen to know Tregaron quite well; there isn't really much there to get to know, and calling the place small is exaggerating the size a very great deal indeed. You're literally talking about a small village whose main claim to fame is a large area of marshland to the north, Cors Caron (also called Tregaron Bog).

Welsh villages are gossipy; and absolutely EVERYONE would know who this guy was, what he did and a bewildering array of other things about him by the time he'd been there five minutes; had a midget porn star been living there, the news would have been out long ago. But this is the thing; Tregaron is in the middle of absolutely nowhere. It's on the edge of the Green Desert, an area of Wales so called because it is green, and there's nobody there at all.

If he'd been anywhere in that area, I would have expected it to have been Aberystwyth; a bigger, more cosmopolitan University town but even then, quite incredibly gossipy to the extent that secrets don't really exist. Plus, the police and town elders there are a wee bit sensitive to anything that might bring the town into disrepute, and would likely run a porn-star out of town in very short order; such a man would also find, once his reputation got around, that none of the locals would give him time of day, let alone sell him anything.

Finally, the first reference to this dwarfish actor that I can chase up is in (shock horror) the Sunday Sport, back on 19th August, where Gordon Ramsay is quoted as being very annoyed at having a porn star double; no mention of the dwarf's death is made here.

This sounds very like Sunday Sport journalists making up a space-filler story, then killing it some time subsequently, as per their earlier "double decker bus seen on moon" series.

In short, fictional garbage.

PBurns said...

Yes, a bit hard to believe as I more-or-less suggested in the "related links" which go to books about nonsense tabloid headlines. The badger cull bit is pretty close to the truth, however. Wales is about to start a badger cull with trap and bullet. The best blarney has a few nuggets of truth to keep it all rolling ;-)

P

Seahorse said...

These stories will have to stand in until some angel revives The Weekly World News.

Seahorse