Ayn Rand Reviews Children's Movies

Over at The New Yorker, Mallory Ortberg imagines Ayn Rand (aka Alisa Zinovievna Rosenbaum, aka Ann O'Connor) as a children's movie critic. A sample:

“Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”
An industrious young woman neglects to charge for her housekeeping services and is rightly exploited for her naïveté. She dies without ever having sought her own happiness as the highest moral aim. I did not finish watching this movie, finding it impossible to sympathize with the main character. —No stars. 

“Bambi”
The biggest and the strongest are the fittest to rule. This is the way things have always been. —Four stars.

“Old Yeller” A farm animal ceases to be useful and is disposed of humanely. A valuable lesson for children. —Four stars.

“Lady and the Tramp”
A ridiculous movie. What could a restaurant owner possibly have to gain by giving away a perfectly good meal to dogs, when he could sell it at a reasonable price to human beings? A dog cannot pay for spaghetti, and payment is the only honest way to express appreciation for value. —One star.

“101 Dalmatians”
 A wealthy woman attempts to do her impoverished school friend Anita a favor by purchasing some of her many dogs and putting them to sensible use. Her generosity is repulsed at every turn, and Anita foolishly and irresponsibly begins acquiring even more animals, none of which are used to make a practical winter coat. Altruism is pointless. So are dogs. A cat is a far more sensible pet. A cat is objectively valuable. —No stars.

“Babe”
Another pig farmer fails to do his job. —No stars.

Ayn Rand, of course, was nothing more than an angry, broken, dried-up old self-centered sociopath who wrote several barely-readable books which have become the much-cited favorites of people who think greed and brutality need a cheering section. If you have ever wondered what the children in Lord of the Flies might have become when all grown up, just look for anyone reading or citing Ayn Rand. 

What's fantastic, but true, is that the chain-smoking Rand died of lung cancer and nearly broke, secretly supported by Social Security and Medicare benefits she acquired under a name no one actually knew her as -- Ann O'Connor.

Pathetic? No less so than every other aspect of her life and belief system.