Item #1: A Credit-card Sized Shotgun. CBS News reports that a "local gun maker and gun shop are debuting a new type of firearm" -- one that can fit in your shirt pocket. It's a two-shot weapon made from a piece of metal the height and width of a standard credit card, and about half an inch thick. Each barrel fires seven standard steel BBs, and it will retail for $100. This is a small muzzle-loader shotgun fired with an electronic trigger. Will it stop a crook? No, but it's about perfect for blowing your balls off when it misfires in your pocket. And believe me, when I say it will be in a man's pocket: No woman will be stupid enough to own one. For those who would prefer to make their zip guns the old-fashioned way, see this handy little visual guide, and realize you are probably breaking about 7 laws and are likely to kill yourself too. A better option that will get you a lot more attention (and less jail time) is this 144-shot Gatling Gun. Or just get a real gun -- an honest derringer will fit in the palm of your hand, and if you get a Smith and Wesson 317 Kit Gun or Taurus knockoff, probably no one will laugh at you behind your back.
Item #2: Pink Shotguns. Pink seems to be the latest gun craze, judging by all the articles written about this girly-color annodization and dyed wood stunt. Personally, I think it's an insult to women, but then I think most women's magazines are an insult to women. What the hell do I know? In any case, anyone looking to take their gay lover or their 12-year old "My Little Pony" enthusiast hunting can get a Remington 870 (available in 20-gauge) for $370. Operators are standing by. And no, it does not look like they make a 16- or 12-gauge version in pink of this most-popular of shotgun models.
Item #3: Season Shot. After your woman has been blazing away in the field with a pink shotgun (see above), she will be able to spend less time in the kitchen cleaning the birds thanks to "Season Shot" -- a buckshot made of compressed and bonded spices which supposedly disintegrate inside the bird and help flavor it. Apparently this is not a joke (though it does sound like it). Does the seasoning ruin the barrel? Does the shot have to be FDA-approved? Is this just a ploy so that next time Dick Cheney shoots someone in the face, the White House can say that it was simply a "light peppering with a touch of lemon?" I have many questions, but if this is a joke, it's a pretty damn elaborate one, and David Petzal was sucked in too. A hat tip to Lisa B. for this one, and my apologies for the misogyny in the opening line. It just sounds better with a little misogyny thrown in. Like pheasant with lemon pepper buckshot.