Friday, August 24, 2007

The Continuing Crisis

Global Warming
Over at "Jammie Wearing Fool," they report on the latest global warming crisis: Norway's 120,000 moose are farting and belching too much. It seems that the rocket-science wizards of Norway have calculated that an adult moose can produce 2,100 kilos of methane a year -- equivalent to the CO2 output resulting from a 13,000 kilometer car journey. The good news: this year's moose hunt should kill off 35,000 of the nasty polluting bastards.

Collapsing Bridges
While global warming is caused by moose farts (and for the record, I have always said so), the bridges are not collapsing solely due to poor design and no maintenance whatsoever: it's the pigeon crap that's killing them. The rocket-science wizards of America postulate that "corrosive guano deposited all over the Interstate 35W span's framework helped the steel beams rust faster." Of course, this is all perfectly correct. Which is why it's time to start poisoning the pigeons in the park, just like Tom Lehrer recommended: "So if Sunday you're free ... Why don't you come with me ... And we'll poison the pigeons in the park ... And maybe we'll do in a squirrel or two ... While we're poisoning pigeons in the park."

Breaching Levees
Meanwhile over in New Orleans, a biologist is promoting Vetiver grass as the thing that can cure New Orleans of what it ails it. Not only does the grass put down 6-foot roots to hold back erosion, but it shoots up 6 feet in the air to absorb storm surge. Best of all, it has strong anti-insect properties which may drive out the formosan termites which have been eating the sugar-based caulk used on the levees. Termites were attacking the levees? Has anyone told the Bush Administration, the Mayor, and the Governor? It would seem to me that termites are a perfect scapegoat for Katrina. Clearly, they are the problem; it could not have anything to do with building an entire city several feet under the high tide line, levees contstructed by the lowest bidder, and old broken pumps that did not work.

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4 comments:

TOM DISOUZA said...

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Christopher Landauer said...

http://www.vetiver.com/TVN_PE1.htm

This Vetiver grass looks suspiciously like the cheatgrass that is infesting much of the country and increasing the chance and severity of fire.

It also looks suspiciously like the Pampas grass and other species of ornamental landscaping grass so popular with the suburbanites.

Either way, it's the perfect way to solve the New Orleans problem. Burn it all down already and appeal to yuppie real estate investors who can swoop in with waves of gentrification, armed with the same insurance policies that rebuild their beach front homes on the tony areas of the east and west coast.

http://www.reason.com/news/show/29067.html

Even consumer warrior John Stossel admits having a beach front vacation mansion which can be rebuilt innumerable times on the TAX PAYER's dollar, simply because he chose to build a house on land that is constantly being reshaped by the ocean.

Jack Shaw said...

Regarding dealing effectively with pigeon dung problems, Cat Claw, Inc. offers a proven and humane solution, with many successful installations to many facilities, including government facilities such as The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Amphitheater, The U S Customs Building, The ATF Lab in Rockville, MD, etc.

Jack Shaw
President
Cat Claw, Inc.
www.Catclaw.com
814-266-5544

Cat Claw’s stainless Steel one-piece construction with no welded components stands alone.

Neutron said...

Have you read "pigeons" by Andrew Blechman? The pigeon problem is more complicated than poisoning.